Chapter 50

With unsteady steps, I entered my room at the inn and collapsed onto the bedding.

I don’t want to move.

I don’t want to think.

I have no energy left.

It felt like I was sinking into a swamp.

“…Ugh.”

A wordless sound escaped my lips.

What echoed in my mind were Kraze’s words.

When I had tried my hardest to apologize, even though my spirit was already at its limit, he pushed me into a dark abyss.

The prince plans to make me his fiancée… I thought Kraze would at least hesitate, if not refuse entirely…

But he gave his approval without any hesitation.

I trusted him.

I thought he was watching over me.

I thought he would be angry but still stay by my side…

But the reality was different, and apparently, I was just deluding myself.

The future I imagined when I invited Kraze to enroll in the academy and when we reunited after years was just a fantasy…

No, it was probably me who ruined it.

I crushed my own ideal future.

I still don’t know why he was angry, but… it’s probably my fault.

Thinking it over, it makes sense.

First of all, I have a bad personality.

I don’t care about anyone except myself and Kraze, and I don’t even bother to think about others.

At this age, I’m somewhat aware of my own nature.

So, I know that I was acting selfishly toward Kraze all this time.

If it had been anyone else, they would have avoided me after just a few words.

But Kraze didn’t avoid me.

No matter what I said or how selfishly I behaved, he stayed by my side, even if it was with a sigh of exasperation.

That’s why I concluded that Kraze was tolerant.

And yet, that time, Kraze got angry.

The Kraze who never got angry at me before was furious.

Which means… what I said at that time must have been something he couldn’t forgive.

I still don’t know what I did wrong.

But I know it’s my fault.

So I mustered up the strength to apologize… and this is the result.

“…Ugh.”

If it were my usual self, I would have gone out there, rejected the engagement, insulted the two of them, and complained to Kraze, likely insulting him too.

But I didn’t have the energy.

The delicate balance I had been maintaining collapsed.

I couldn’t even cover up the fact that I had been eavesdropping; I just walked, holding back tears of weakness.

“…”

No matter how I look at it, it’s my own fault.

It’s all my fault.

Over and over, I regretted that moment, wishing I hadn’t said what I did.

If only I had been a bit more restrained.

If only I had been smarter.

No… if I had never spoken to Kraze at the festival in the first place…

I wouldn’t be feeling this way now.

“Enough… it’s all… meaningless.”

Now that I know how Kraze feels, I don’t even have a sliver of hope left.

There’s no way our relationship will ever go back to how it was.

…No… I don’t want that… I don’t want that… I don’t want that!

I want to talk to him like before. I want him to laugh in exasperation when I’m sarcastic.

I want to spar like before. I want to see his happy face as we swing our swords.

I want to be with him like before…

We don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to do anything at all.

I just don’t want to be apart from him…

…I’m such a fool.

No matter how much I wish for it, it’s already useless.

I know it’s pointless, and yet…

I understand it rationally… but my emotions won’t accept it.

They keep welling up, like a spring that never stops flowing.

My heart keeps crying out.

It’s trying to break my rationality.

“Stop it… just stop…”

I grip the bedding tightly, trying to hold on.

I don’t need these feelings—they only cause me pain.

It’s okay… it’s okay… I just have to do what I did when my mother passed away.

I’ll build a wall around my heart… and I’ll be fine.

I’ll crush these emotions, sink them deep, deep down… and lock them away…

There’s no point in living anymore… my future is shattered… but this is just like going back to how things were…

If I erase this memory… I’ll be fine…

That way…

“Mother…”

Ah… stop… please stop…

Don’t come any deeper into my heart…

If the next name slips out…

“Kraze…”

It’s meaningless.

He’s no longer here.

He’s not by my side anymore.

So why do I still let it slip—

“What’s up?”

“…Huh?”

I turned around.

Impossible—it’s just a hallucination.

That’s what I thought, but… the emotions I had buried deep down started to hope.

Through my blurry vision, I saw that face.

I blinked once, and when my sight cleared, I saw him there, for sure.

I reached out and touched his arm.

…Warm.

“You look terrible…”

There was no doubt.

This voice, this figure, this warmth.

It’s real.

“It’s been twenty-one days, hasn’t it?”

Standing in front of me was… Kraze.